The value of an intentional Yes and No
We all start out as babies and small children, unconsciously watchful of our parents’ every move, sigh and expression. We learn quickly not to disagree. If we do, we do it secretly or mildly enough to not rock the boat too much. Belonging to our parents is much more important than having my voice heard. And we comply in ways we cannot remember. I am aware that many of us do not spend too much time thinking about how we came to be the way we were. We simply think that what we do is who we are. We use words like “personality” or “opinion” to fortify the way we have learned to be , till something happens that requires us to stop and wonder.
There is a stage where a baby learns to say and use the word “No”. Around age 2. This is a momentous occasion. A little child disagreeing with a parent and expressing a feeling, unaware of the effect it might have. It could be a humourous moment of wonderment for a confident parent who marvels at the baby’s emerging sense of self or a “disobedient” moment that is quickly squished by a rigid, scared parent who believes in good children being obedient. The idea that a “Yes” is more desirable than a “No” starts very early. Children know when they are not allowed to disagree. Some children try to push their options further by acting out, raising their volume or increasing their No’s, even when they don’t mean it. Children get diagnosed quickly - Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It sticks and now the child is seen as having a problem. The child believes he IS the problem. It is common for parents and teachers to see a No as disobedience and rebellion. Parents don’t often pause to question rebellion or the cause and purpose of it. Oftentimes rebellion is anticipated and parents are ready to ‘deal’ with it. Obedient, conforming children make parents look good. And often, that matters more than anything else.
The truth is that children do not rebel for no reason. However, the ‘reasons’ are different and more subtle than we think. Teenagers have a poor reputation and many a time a parent will say - “You know, she’s being a teenager!” with an eye roll. Teenage is a phase where a child is morphing into an adult and part of that evolution is learning to speak for oneself, finding and using one’s voice. Teenage becomes troublesome when there is not enough space for a child to spread and flap her wings in her emerging adult body in her parents’ home. Sometimes parents are unprepared for a child growing up and the shift in parenting that is required. There is less permission and space for the evolving adult’s opinions and No’s. When a No is unpracticed, an adult will tend to continue saying Yes where they might want to say No and become what we know as a “people-pleaser”. A high-functioning, anxious, people-pleaser can be mistaken for a confident adult. And they might struggle to manage their anxiety from trying to preserve an inauthentic, inflated facade that has been cultivated to keep everybody happy.
In reality, a No has the same value as a Yes. Do I like broccoli ? Yes, I do. No, I don’t. It tells others who I am through my agreement and disagreement. If there is the space. It allows me to express who I am and breathe freely in my body and in my life. There is much conversation about “boundaries” and establishing them. A No in the right place IS the boundary. Sometimes a No is not as simple as liking or disliking broccoli. It can be much more scary. Sometimes there is a price to pay for a No. And it can be a costly one. As one moves into adult life which is about complex decisions and freedom that comes with responsibility, Yes and No becomes much more than a simple right or wrong. However one thing stays the same - Yes means agreement and No means disagreement. And as my teacher, Suzi Tucker says - “An ambivalent Yes is actually a No.” Ambivalence is the happy space between a full Yes and a clear No where many people choose to live. It seems to offer safety from either position but it also keeps one stuck and wastes the energy and time of those who believe that there might be a Yes somewhere in the ambivalence. While we can spend much time exploring the pros and cons of ambivalence, it can be simply another delay in that stuck world.
On any day at any hour, one can choose to lift one’s foot, cross the threshold and step into a world of a clearer Yes and No that liberates not only oneself but also those who we come in contact with. In Suzi’s words - “A well-placed No is a Yes somewhere else”.
