This thing called “Self-care”
“Self-care” is a word used widely at this point in time. However, in my experience, it is also quite misunderstood in the context of our “health”-obsessed culture.
In the pursuit of doing the right thing, self-care is often talked about mechanically - a list of things “to do” which becomes a series of boxes to be checked off. Sometimes people are surprised that doing the list of things does not achieve what they are supposed to do, i.e. make one feel better. There is nothing wrong with the ‘to-do’ list. Having a warm bath with candles or listening to music or going for a walk does have the possibility of making us feel better. But there are some other factors that dictate the success of these interventions.
Self-care as “care of the self” involves paying attention to the different parts of my ‘self’. Care of the body, mind and emotional self. Successful self-care is a practice that has to be mindfully cultivated so that in course of time it becomes second nature and not something I decide to do only when I find myself in a crisis. Building a practice requires one to appreciate the importance of the endeavour and to be always interested. It becomes obvious that as with the building of any practice, we have to dedicate time and attention till the practice is set. As in , self care becomes second nature and does not require particular thought.
We live in a world , real and virtual, that is rife with advice about the body and mind. In my experience, the body has come to be seen as an entity that is not to be trusted or listened to, that is separate from ME. I live in my body without ownership of the experience of living with it. Exercise is a task, eating is a task and yoga is a task that must be “done right”. And the guide for doing these tasks “just right” is outside my body. Coaches are teaching young people to ignore pain and “push harder”, online ‘influencers’ are advising us to eat and drink odd combinations of foods ignoring what our bodies may be telling us, parents are putting children in sports whether they are ready or not. Even the landscape of yoga is one of competition and achievement. “Healthy” is a grossly misunderstood word that has little to do with how any of these things make us feel in our bodies and more to do with the idea of healthy that we hold in our heads. And in the end, we get upset with our bodies for feeling pain while one is ‘pushing through’ or feeling hungry after that “healthy smoothie” or feeling tired with only 4 hours of sleep.
I could talk about listening to the body as a guide. But I know that this is not a simple task. We are trained from our early years in school to listen and pay attention to our brains and thoughts. Using the brain and listening to our thoughts is a necessary skill for school education. But in this process, we start leaving our bodies behind. As time goes on (and facilitated by the onslaught of steady media information) our relationship with our bodies gets more and more disconnected and obfuscated. Most messages from the body are interrupted by the strong messages our brain has collected. The anxiety of living and performing in the world is numbed with painkillers and alcohol and eating disorders. It is inconvenient to pause to attune to what the body is trying to express and our capacity to hear its voice above all the other noise gets lost. Once we are past our early childhood years, it gets harder to find the voice of our body without being interrupted by messages about the sugar I should not eat to be “healthy’ and the pain I should ignore to exercise. My clients who are addicted to exercise tell me they are just “moving their body, you know, to stay healthy”. Self care starts getting very complicated in these ways.
Self-care is actually a simply word that means just that. Taking care of the self. when clients tell me that they live by themselves , I remind them that they live with their selves. “I am here with me , for me”. And I need care - my body, my mind and my feeling self which are incredibly interconnected and inter-dependant, even though we think about them in quite a compartmentalized way. Emotions are the messengers of the inner landscape. Often people are shocked when their emotions get “out of control”. Out of control sadness is diagnosed as depression, out of control fear becomes anxiety and out of control anger gets us in trouble. Emotions are fluid organic responses to our life experiences, past and present. Ignored emotions have a very long shelf-life and can accumulate and erupt when we are not expecting them to. Emotions can also be big, uncomfortable, inconvenient and scary. A body that is hungry and tired is often not a capable vessel for strong emotions. That we are all emotional beings is a fact. Thinking of emotions as a natural part of life is a start to understanding oneself in a wholesome way.
An absence of “self-care” becomes “self-harm”. The very basics of self- care is sleep, food and movement, all in alignment with the body. Caring for the self is an acquired skill that has to be practiced actively for proficiency. Self care has to be thought about differently from “looking pretty, six pack abs” and doing the things that make one “cool”. Self care is doing the things that will sustain my body in good condition into a graceful old age. Emotional wellness is a necessity for sustainable physical wellness. One is not separate from the other. A guide to our emotional workings is the workings of our mind. The mind is not the brain. If the brain is the hardware , the mind is the software. Daniel Siegel in his book “Mindsight” talks about mindsight as “a kind of focused attention that allows us to see the internal workings of our mind”. Therapists are trained to ask questions that help us track the internal pathways of our thinking and feeling. This is not a linear process, rather an interdependent circular process. Our thinking influences our feeling and vice versa , back and forth, which in turn influences our physical wellness. We hold our unresolved stresses in various parts of our bodies. It is good to know that emotions also have a long shelf-life. Something that affected us years ago can stay in our bodies till it is triggered by an incident in current time. And we are taken by surprise, overwhelmed, flooded with a full body feeling that seemingly “makes no sense”.
It is important that one take oneself seriously for self-care to be effective. This opens the door to the concept of ‘discipline’. Discipline is consistent , predictable structure that is ideally not rigid. I know that I must eat food that is not only nutritious but also enjoyable three times a day so that my brain and body can function and I feel happy about the meal I had. I know that I must cultivate predictable sleep habits so that my body and mind can rest and recover for each day. Going to the doctor and dentist on time, going to a therapist if one needs help with anxious thinking patterns, involving oneself in creative pursuits to feel fun, creativity and surprise in everything that life and the world has to offer are all parts of self-care. A word about deadlines and goal-setting - these are to be done mindfully. Any goal or timeline that contributes to creating anxiety will not fall under the category of self-care. Self care activities are done with ease, allowing time to rest and space for mistakes.
I am my own keeper and mindful self-care makes me a better person to the community around me.
